10 Tips for Building Strong Friendships in College

By: Stephanie Maxwell

I’d like you to think for a moment about your friendships--specifically your general satisfaction level with your friendships right now. Are you in a place of abundance? Someone who is surrounded by friends and perhaps alternating between genuine gratitude on the one hand and stress on the other: wondering how to manage and balance those friendships amidst a very busy schedule? Or are you in a friendship famine--a place, not of abundance, but of scarcity or lack? Perhaps feeling lonely or isolated, surrounded by people but feeling like you haven’t found your people and are genuinely longing for deep friendships.

We live in a lonely and anxious age. Major studies reflect the same dismal trend: that people are increasingly isolated. In 2021, the Survey Center on American Life published a landmark study that exposed the sharp decline in friendship in the U.S. over the past 30 years. The term “Friendship Recession” began appearing all over the news. Listen to just a few of these statistics: The percentage of Americans reporting that they don’t have any friends has increased 400% since 1990. A full 10% of women and 15% of men report they don’t have a single friend. The percentage of women with more than 10 friends has dropped from 28% to 11%, and for men, from 40% to 15%. We’re more and more isolated, and we feel it deeply. According to another report, 61% of adults in America feel lonely, and the rates of loneliness are actually highest among those who are younger.

That’s the bad news. The good news is this: not only do I think it is possible for each of you as individuals to become RICH in your relationships in the midst of the Friendship Recession, I also believe that you are uniquely equipped as a generation to be able to reverse the Friendship Recession. My hope is that you will have a new framework for understanding friendship that will refresh you, encourage you, excite you, free you from misconceptions, and give you hope. Here’s my argument: cultivating friendships and deepening community begins with an understanding of the theology of friendship, which then informs all of the myriad out-workings of friendship in daily life.

Christ-centered friendship is about serving others, asking ourselves how God might use us in our friends’ lives and how He might want to use them in our lives. We serve others as more important than ourselves, believing Jesus’ words that it is more blessed to give than to receive. We also trust that initiating, serving, and loving another invites friendship, but we don’t expect or demand a reciprocal response. 

So many of our friendship issues arise because we think people should respond perfectly as our perfect God does, or we assume that God responds imperfectly to us as imperfect people do. When we attempt to find our security and value solely in human friendship, we become idolaters. We exchange God’s love for people’s love and look to them for what only God can give—unconditional love, all-knowing intimacy, perfect provision, and soul security.  We are looking horizontally for what can only be provided vertically.

Christian friendship always considers how we might point our friends toward Christ rather than back toward ourselves.  We must think rightly of our place in friendship: we are not the Christ. Do we imagine ourselves as a type of savior to our friends, people who must have the right words to say, the answer to every problem, and the solution for all that is wrong for them? Do we hope to be revered, admired, in control, or validated in some way in the friendship? I’m speaking to myself here too, because as a person who loves to help, this is something I really have to guard against. To set ourselves up as our friends’ Christ distorts and ultimately destroys the friendship. We are not the Christ, but we know the Christ, and our goal in Christ-centered friendship must always be to point our friends to that one perfect Friend.

If we are to imitate Christ in our friendships by initiating, serving, and forgiving, what does that mean in the nitty-gritty, really down-to-earth, practical sense?

Almost exactly 20 years ago, I met my husband Jared’s family for the first time. Jared is the only son between two sisters, and his older sister was already married at the time. She had two little ones: Aubrey (age 2 ½) and Jeffrey who wasn’t quite 1. Aubrey was the first grandchild in the family and was quite used to being the center of attention. Jared himself adored her. When we arrived at Jared’s parents, everyone was there to meet me except for Jared’s dad who was in a meeting. This meant that the introductions had to take place all over again when Jared’s dad arrived home in the middle of the family dinner. I can still picture exactly where I was sitting (smack dab in the middle of the table) and exactly where Aubrey was sitting (in a booster at the end). Jared’s family is warm and effusive, and when his dad came in, everyone was talking at once, he was hugging me across steaming bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy, and suddenly high above all the commotion rose Aubrey’s toddler voice, “Grandpa: Here I AM!” 

We have teased Aubrey about her diva-like pronouncement ever since, but how many of us, if we’re truthful, have a “here-I-am” attitude when it comes to friendships: Here I am! Please see me, please reach out to me, invite me, say hello to me. Instead of “here I am,” we must have a “there YOU are!” attitude. Enter places and conversations by focusing on the other. Go toward. I see YOU, I’m interested in YOU, I want to get to know YOU. Ask questions. Try to understand the heart of the person. Think about what you long to receive from others, and do that for someone else: invite, include. This is an Imitation of Christ loving us. He loved us while we were yet sinners! He didn’t wait for us. Be an initiator.

Second only to our command to love God with all we are is the call to love others above ourselves (Mark 12:29–31; John 13:34). Initiating is others focused in and of itself, but in general, from start to finish, our friendships with others should be marked by selflessness. How do we do that?

Here are 10 practical tips to help you grow and develop strong friendships in college:

1. Mentorship

Gen Z seems to better understand the importance of mentors than previous generations. In fact, you can easily Google stats on the benefits of mentorship to basically all aspects of life: academics, mental health, faith, marriage and relationships, the work place, and so on. Here’s my advice: by all means, seek a mentor, but perhaps even more importantly, be a mentor. Inter-generational friendships are so important, and the imperative I’m focusing on, is to initiate and serve! Here’s the practical tip: Make a list of friends by broad age group. On the left side of a piece of paper write the age groups: Child, Teen, Young Adult, Middle-Aged Adult, and Elderly Adult, and on the right side, list the names of the friends you have in each group. Notice the age groups where there are gaps in your friendships, and seek to serve others in the gaps. Introduce yourself to the elderly widow at church who sits by herself. Think of the little girl who probably thinks you’re a rock star just because you’re in college and invite her to get hot chocolate with you. We adopt college students through our church, and 6 years ago, we adopted a freshman guy from the east coast. Jared and I had the privilege of watching that freshman make a point of reaching out to a 6th grade boy at our church named Sam. He attended Sam’s athletic events, talked with him, invited Sam to hang out in his dorm. He fostered such a meaningful, genuine friendship with Sam that Sam, who is now a senior in high school, was inspired 5 years later to reach out to a younger boy in the same way. Last year, Sam began inviting a 4th grader to lunch, taking him along when he went golfing, or inviting him over to watch a movie. Just a couple of weeks ago, in fact, they watched Jurassic Park together. I know all this because that little boy that Sam has now befriended is our own son Luke. The college freshman who started this beautiful cycle of mentorship is Ryan Perkins who many of you know through Student Affairs, and Sam is Sam Lutz--Brock and Jen’s oldest son. Sam wrote about his experience in his college admissions essay this fall: “When I look back to Ryan, his friendship with me wasn’t based on a search for his own satisfaction; instead it was quite the opposite: he spent time with me because he knew that I enjoyed it. This is directly parallel to the Christian ideal of love.” Ladies, if you are lacking mentors, start by being a mentor.

2. & 3. Make Time and Be Inclusive

I’m going to loop these two together, because the suggestions I have for you apply to both. Busyness is a real factor when it comes to cultivating friendships, and though it might seem impossible to you now, there will come a time when lack of proximity, children, and jobs make it even harder for you to align schedules with your friends. I will also promise you that at some point or another, you will feel as if you are doing all the work to maintain the friendship. Do it anyway, and don’t take it personally. Life is too short! Here’s my very practical tip that I started even when I was in college: Make a list of your friends. Actually name them on paper. Begin keeping a list of prayer requests for them and be faithful to pray. Use that same list to keep track of making contact with them. I actually use check marks: I’ve had lunch this person (check), I need to reach out to this person next. Text this person (check). The idea here is not to kill spontaneity, but to continue to make intentional investments in your friendships even when life gets busy. Your list also gives you a place to write down the names of new people you want to reach out to or people you sense you should reach out to. This gets to what I call “The Inner Ring.” Juniors and Seniors, I’m talking especially to you. It is such a blessing when you find your people, that close circle of friends, or even those one or two close friendships that provide security and accountability and mutual affection. But when you find your people, make sure you guard against the temptation to become exclusive instead of inclusive. It is our natural tendency, I think, to want to form an inner ring of close friends instead of turning outward to others. I personally love a good Inner Ring of friends, but 16 years ago, my pastor said something that really convicted me. He held up a little Lego brick, and asked, “In your relational life, are you making sure to always keep one Lego peg open, or are all of your pegs already filled up with friends?” Do you get what he was asking? Girls, I invite you to join me in always trying to keep one Lego peg open.

4. Bring Others In

Some of you, I know, are truly lonely and I’ve been there! When I stayed to work for the College after I graduated, I was one of the only single twenty-somethings here. At that time, there was no grad school, and it was not yet cool to stay in Hillsdale after you graduated. On top of that, my serious boyfriend who worked in Admissions, the one who I was planning to marry, broke up with me a year after we graduated. I was heartbroken and truly lonely. Honestly, for awhile, I could hardly get myself up and out the door to work each day. My mom, who is the wisest woman I know, suggested (actually she pretty much insisted) that I invite my next-door neighbor out for dinner. Muriel was in her late 80’s at the time. She had just moved to my apartment building after being forced to sell her family farm when her husband died. In my arrogance, I thought I was going to be a blessing to Muriel, but Muriel became such a blessing to me. She lived another 10 years, long enough to hold my first child. Do you see what my mom was doing when she encouraged me to reach out to Muriel? Remember our three imperatives: initiate, serve, and forgive. My mom was gently reminding me in my loneliness not to wallow in self pity but to turn outward to others. I remained single throughout my 20’s, and there were some very lonely moments I experienced here in Hillsdale back in those days, but you know what I did? After making that initial step with Muriel, I began hosting dinner parties. I love to cook, so I just started inviting random people over for a good meal: professors, neighbors, coworkers. If you’re lonely, consider reaching out to others who might be lonely too. 

5. Forgive

Oh boy. We could spend an entire day talking about forgiveness. The truth is, ladies, at some point or another, you are going to be hurt by a friend. And you are going to hurt a friend. Forgiveness begins with remembering that we are flawed and sinful ourselves, and yet God in Christ has forgiven us. Don’t just give up when there is conflict. Struggle through. Be willing to speak the truth with grace and love. Be willing to receive the truth with grace and love. Often we get hurt and think: This person wasn’t a good friend to me; therefore, they’re out of my life. I’m done. This is sometimes necessary, but I think it too often becomes an excuse. The Scripture that has helped me most to turn toward forgiveness is the parable of the unforgiving debtor in Matthew 18.

6. Don’t Make Idols

Disillusionment is connected to conflict and hurt, but it has more to do with disappointment, feeling let down by friends or friendship in general. If you are feeling disillusioned or struggling to trust, ask yourself two questions: 1) Am I making an idol of friendship instead of looking to God? and 2) Am I putting unrealistic expectations on people that they were never meant to bear? God is the only one who can truly satisfy your longings in friendships, family, or even one day in your spouse.

7. Hold it Loosely

Jealousy. Haven’t we all been here? I’m guessing some of you are struggling with this even today. One of our friends starts spending time with someone else, and we feel left out or worried that we’re going to be left behind. Or we see a picture on social media and realize we weren’t invited, and our whole day is ruined. Ugh. I don’t even like thinking about it! And of course our insecurities immediately overwhelm us, and we fear, don’t we? Fear is at the root of jealousy. Ladies, our natural tendency then is to become desperate, to cling, and to suffocate that friend. But remember: you can rest secure in the unconditional and perfect love of God who chose you. Ephesians 1:4 says he chose you even before the foundation of the world to be His. Release your tight grip on those friendships. No one ever saved a relationship by holding it tightly.

8. Be Courageous

Are you scared to initiate or reach out to others because you fear you might be rejected? Maybe you’re introverted, and it’s truly hard just to put yourself out there. Here’s my tip. Rather than focusing on the outcome, focus on the act of initiation. Yes, it’s risky.  Yes, you could be rejected, but reaching out to others is actually, for Christians, an act of obedience in and of itself--even if a friendship isn’t the end result. We are loving Christ by loving this person. We are serving Christ by serving others.  

9. Listen

We all know that close friendship is based on mutual vulnerability and affection. How do we get past surface level? We start by listening, not talking. You need to ask questions. When my brother and I were kids, my parents constantly talked about how conversation is like a game of catch. One person throws the ball to the other when she asks a question, the other person throws the ball back when he answers the question with details or asks a question in return. If you give a one word answer or don’t ask a question back, you’ve caught the ball and the game ends. You know how this goes, your mom picks you up from school and asks, “How was your day.” And you say, “Good.” You’ve just caught the ball. Ladies, throw the ball back! Have you ever thought about the fact that all the “one anothers” in Scripture require you to know the other person on a deep level: Bear one another’s burdens, love one another, forgive one another, honor one another, rejoice with one another, weep with one another, confess to one another. In order to do these things, you have to get beyond surface level and be willing to get to know the other person. When you ask questions and listen with a “tell-me-more” approach, you are being others focused. Be the person to ask questions first, and then be willing to be vulnerable yourself if you are fortunate enough to be asked questions back.

10. Don’t Jump in your Friend’s Canoe

What do you do when bearing the burdens of your friends becomes such a heavy burden that it’s affecting your own mental health? First, remember that you are not the Christ. It is not your job to fix your friends’ problems. Second, don’t try to jump in their canoe. What do I mean by that? This is an analogy that Christy Maier uses, and I think it can be helpful, especially if you are a highly empathetic person. Each of us is in our own canoe, paddling down the river of life. As a friend, you can come alongside your friend’s canoe and offer support and encouragement, you can even offer advice (try paddling like this!), but if you try to jump in your friend’s canoe to help her, what’s going to happen? You’re going to tip your friend’s canoe, and your own canoe is going to be unmanned. Don’t jump in your friend’s canoe.

Friends, If we don’t find our peace and our contentment in Christ, in knowing that we are fully known and fully loved by Him, we will inevitably distort our relationships with other people. Remember that you are perfectly loved by Him, and then go forward to serve others in friendship by initiating, serving, and forgiving them as Christ Himself did for you.