A Product of My Family
Q and A with Caroline Greb
Listen as our student host, Addy Longenecker, interviews Caroline for a more in depth view on learning through the difficulties of family dynamics.
How did family dynamics impact your college experience?
Although I always knew my family had dysfunction, my family underwent additional severe mental health trauma and I experienced my parents' divorce during my time at college. As much as I fought it, it felt like the effects of my family's difficult dynamics inevitably infiltrated my college life. On a small scale, I often felt guilty I didn't come from a better family, as if that meant something was wrong with me or my public image was marred. No one (especially prospective dates) could look at me and say "she comes from a great family." On a bigger scale, I realized how deeply my relational interactions (whether in friendships, dating, or otherwise) had been affected by my upbringing. There was no doubt I was, at least in part, a product of my family. The ongoing hardship sometimes became a nagging distraction to class or events. But at the same time, the things I was learning and the books I read helped me process and heal. I wept with a strange mixture of knowing grief as I sat in Dr. Jackson’s class after reading “Long Day’s Journey Into Night.”
“There is real power in seeking the wisdom of friends and mentors to speak into situations more objectively than you can.”
What advice would you give a college student who is trying to heal from a tough family situation?
Most of all, know that just because you are a part of a tough family situation does not mean something is wrong with you or you are considered less-than. It's not a reflection on you, it is the choice that God has made to have you be born into a particular family at a particular time at a particular place—and for a particular purpose. Tough family situations may continue to hurt you, but it does not go unseen. God is a kind, loving, and gracious God whose heart breaks at the sin that has affected you.
What resources would you suggest for people seeking help with difficult family dynamics?
Remember that no family is perfect or without its own form of dysfunction, but find examples of good families to walk alongside and learn from. The College Baptist adopt-a-student program provided me with a family who welcomed me as their own—I stayed with them in summers, they hosted my bridal shower, they celebrated my graduation. As I committed myself to getting to know them, I was offered a view into their life as a godly family, along with so many other families within the church and college community. And…talk about it. Go to counseling. There is real power in seeking the wisdom of friends and mentors to speak into situations more objectively than you can, when judgment is often clouded by years of emotional baggage.
What things are important to focus on in a family to promote healthy relationships?
“Remember that no family is perfect or without its own form of dysfunction, but find examples of good families to walk alongside and learn from.”
Real, raw, honest communication. Because of the baggage I brought in, I recognized the urge in me to run out of fear early on in dating. You must learn to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with another person, and then learn to tell them—why you react a certain way, why some comments sting more, why holidays are really hard. When you may have internalized these things or not even realized their affect on you for a long time, figuring out the words can feel daunting. This takes time!! Most of all, keep Christ as your foundation. That is no trifling cliche. It is a constant reminder that we are not worthy, God is a God of redemption (Yes! Even the things you think can’t be redeemed!) and of turning even the most horrific of things into things of beauty that bring him glory.
