From Like to Love: Seasons of Dating
By: Ingrid Dornbirer
I almost didn’t write this article.
What wisdom could I possibly have to share on a topic so complex, so nuanced, and so specific to any given couple? Maybe not much wisdom. I do, however, have many, many thoughts on the subject of dating. Dos, don’ts, ifs, whens, buts—all of the above. This is my best effort at dissecting the stages of dating.
Just like any human relationship, a dating relationship has its seasons. And ultimately, any dating relationship is a season overall, one that ends in either a breakup or a marriage.
Like many English majors, I love some alliteration. While contemplating the seasons and phases of dating, I came up with five Cs. For the gals entering a relationship, leaving a relationship, or preparing to date someday in a future season, I hope that some of my experiences—imperfect, mind you—can benefit your mindset.
As my old math teacher used to say, “extinguish your seatbelts and fasten your cigarettes.” Let’s get into it.
1. Context
Whether you’ve just met, are “how’s-it-going?”-in-passing-on-the-sidewalk acquaintances or have been close friends for years (as was the case for my fiancé and me), a dating relationship will begin with learning the other person—that’s right. It’s like a musical instrument. In order to say, “I play piano,” you have to be taught about it and then spend one-on-one time with it. The same is true of your boyfriend—except far more important because people are more complex than pianos.
This is what I think of as the “good conversation” phase. You’ll discover preferences just by spending time together. You might learn that the boy you’re dating likes spaghetti better than tacos. How does he prefer to spend a Saturday? Does he like being the youngest child? You will learn habits. Allergies. Taste in music. Spiritual life routines.
Deeper into the Context phase, as you are building trust, you should both share stories about your family history. Help your boyfriend to understand where you come from and how you feel about it. Invite him to recognize the dynamics within his environment growing up. When you find a person you trust, it is important to share in vulnerability. I am NOT encouraging you to spill every detail of your existence to a boy on a first date—but be reminded that humans connect through dialogue. They understand one another better through stories. Your boyfriend should start to have a clear picture of who you are.
In order to deepen your context for each other, you will naturally spend more time together one-on-one. Prioritize this!
Reminder to the friends watching their closest gals enter into a Context season and beyond: she doesn’t love you less because she wants to date a boy. She is learning a new person. That takes time, effort, and sacrifice. Be gracious with her.
2. Closeness
While still gaining context for a person, you will develop a natural closeness. I like to think of this as the “best friend” phase. You may start realizing that you want to tell this boy everything. Some people will move into this season quicker than others; it depends on the couple. Once you have entered it, it’s important to keep up the vulnerability. Be up front about sin struggles. These vulnerable subjects may already come up in the Context phase a bit. If you’re a slower mover when it comes to sharing sensitive topics, that’s ok! You should only date a person you still trust after the Context phase, so keep discerning whether or not your boyfriend is someone worth placing trust in. Some of my fiancé’s most vulnerable moments with me were the catalyst for transforming my feelings from “like” into “love.”
The Closeness stage will lead to emotional and physical intimacy. Both kinds of intimacy are closely linked and should not be separated. I won’t write too long on boundaries in this area, but I am a firm believer that emotional and physical intimacy should accelerate at the same rate. In this phase, there should be a deeper contentment with and reliance upon the boy you are dating. Be wise and hold each other accountable, but don’t resist attraction! You should LOVE dating the person you are with. And if your relationship is purposed to last, you will continue to build on these foundations of closeness.
3. Conflict/Check-ins
Yes, I know I cheated and snuck in another C, but I do think that these two Cs have to be paired in this phase! I call this the “growing pains” phase. You are kidding yourself if you think you will align perfectly on everything with the person you are dating. My one absolutely 100% foolproof piece of advice on the dating relationship is that you will at some point hurt the boy you are dating, and the boy you are dating will at some point hurt you.
To clarify my previous points, the Context and Closeness seasons do not end. They continue and build on each other as you enter a new season. You and your boyfriend will be more comfortable disagreeing because of the time spent in these seasons. Make sense? When you experience conflict, your context is growing, and your closeness is deepening.
This dating phase is a good time to implement some regular relationship check-ins. If you are circling back to the same points of tension in discussion, it is good to recognize how you communicate. Ask the questions 1) how are we communicating? and 2) how would we LIKE to be communicating? Giving yourselves parameters for conflict will help you attack an issue together instead of attacking each other. I have been far from perfect in my dating relationships, but I have learned it is helpful to set expectations for both of your conducts during a disagreement.
Last note on conflict: pray with and for one another. My most consistent prayer for my fiancé and myself during our relationship comes from Philippians 1:9-11. It is a constant plea to the Lord that He would make us a man and a woman after His own heart. God knows we need that regular rededication.
4. Commitment
The “we’re pretty serious” phase. Most likely, you’ll have thought of or mentioned marriage before this phase, but now—if both of you are sure of your alignment of faith, love for one another, attraction, life goals, etc.—you’ll probably begin talking more realistically about a future together. The question of “do I want to spend my life with this person?” should begin to be asked. For me, it was an easy answer at this stage with my fiancé, but every couple’s timeline is different. Allow the Lord to guide your steps. Listen for His voice of peace.
Relationship discernment happens up until the end of the Commitment stage. Even engagement is still discernment. I know for a fact that I will marry my fiancé next summer, but we have not fully entered into communion with one another yet.
The eventual decision of the Commitment season is a “yes” or a “no.” The “yes” commitment to a lifetime with a person does not have an end date.
5. Communion
Okay, so if we’re going to get technical, this is a post-dating phase. You should recognize, however, that even from the Context phase, Communion is a potential. I say that as an encouragement to date with intention, not to pressure you into determining whether your husband just asked you to coffee. As mentioned previously, every relationship ends in marriage or a breakup.
Communion is still a mystery to me. This is the “oneness” for which you prepare during engagement and step into when your wedding day vows are spoken.
What I do know is that the Communion season between a man and a woman lasts a lifetime. It is what you hope to experience with the man you love. It will include all four of the previous Cs I have shared in varying levels, with Commitment being the most vital of the four.
Whether you have found a man with whom you hope to experience total unity in Christ; you are in any of the phases above; you are hoping for the beginning of a Context phase with a boy; or you are just abiding in the Lord’s timing, I am praying with and for you.
May your love abound more and more with knowledge and all discernment.
Ingrid Dornbirer ‘24
Ingrid is a 2024 grad serving full time as Director of Student Activities for the College. She studied English and Graphic Design at Hillsdale, combining her love for both the beauty of words and the act of creation through art. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and connect further—or stop by the Student Activities Office to stay “hi" anytime!
Fun Fact: Autumn is her favorite season, and she appreciates everything about it, from the blustery days to the scent of vanilla and cinnamon.
