How do I Know if He’s “the One?”
By: Reagan Linde
Preface: While I am not yet married, I do think there are certain truths one can ground their understanding of marriage in. My advice is but a smattering of the wisdom of many who have come before. I share it with you in the hopes you will choose well when the opportunity arises.
As a child, I had two qualifications for what made a good husband: he needed to love Jesus and be a good dancer. In my five-year-old mind, this was all a girl could ask for. I only needed to know that he went to church and wouldn’t trip on my dress while we were waltzing. As time went on, I naturally became much more picky. My dream man needed to be a 6’ 4” genius with brown hair and blue eyes, love cooking and backpacking and enjoy spontaneously flitting off on European vacations with me. I envisioned my soulmate as a perfect Prince Charming that God had somewhere just waiting for me. All I needed to do was be good enough to find him!
But all of this talk of a dream man, the man, out there waiting led to the inevitable gut-wrenching question: when I meet this man, how will I know that he is really the one for me?
Well, dear reader, I have some bad news: there is no “the one.” There never has been and there never will be. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t say this because I am cynical and heartbroken. The man I love puts Prince Charming to shame. But as great as he is, he will never be “the one” for me and I will never be “the one” for him. He is not my soulmate and I am not his. We are all broken and sinful people, so no matter how hard we look, you will never find one person who will heal all of your hurts, perfectly understand all of your fears, and will never make you angry. There are people you will be more compatible with than others, but no “the one.”
So I want to reframe the question of “How will I know he is the one?” because I think we are often not really asking the question we think we are. As you peel back layers of expectation (the culture’s and your own) the question you are actually asking is: “Do I actually know what marriage and love are?” That seems to be the fundamental insecurity. Do I love this person? Do I know how to love this person? Do I know what love is? Will I choose to love this person? (I want to draw a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone as they describe two very different things). Do I actually understand the commitment and gravity of marriage? Am I ready for that and the responsibilities and duties that will come with it? Does my partner understand those things and is he ready for it? Are we both willing to commit emotionally, mentally, and physically forever?
These are big questions that take time and care to answer. It requires taking a very objective look at yourself and your relationship before you allow the faint sound of wedding bells to cloud your judgment. Before you start asking those questions, here are a few principles, I would argue, that you need to agree on to ensure you are both entering into a relationship with common horizons. Being on the same page now will help you discern well later on.
Are you both moving in the same direction spiritually? As uncomfortable as it is, you need to truly consider if you are equally yoked. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty and mandate that you both be the same denomination, attend two weekly Bible studies, and do devotionals together in lieu of going on dates. But you should both be actively pursuing your faith and share a common way of expressing and living it out. It’s challenging to have spiritually edifying conversations when you don’t understand or agree with what the other person is saying. Your future spouse should engage and encourage you in your spiritual growth. If he does not know the Lord, he has no “higher standard” to strive for in His treatment of you.
Do you both want kids? In some denominations, disagreement on this element of marriage is grounds for an annulment. I am not talking about the difference between you wanting 5 kids and your partner wanting 4. You need to be on the same page as to whether or not kids will be a part of your marriage in the future.
Do you both agree about the idea & institution of marriage? Do you both think that it is an other-worldly institution that is not to be broken? Do you think it should exist or are you looking for a long-term partner that you’ll just live with for a while until you both emotionally outgrow one another?
Will you both choose to love one another? The fondness you feel for one another will ebb and flow throughout the course of your relationship. Love is a choice and it is something you both must choose to do even if you don’t feel like it.
Do you agree on how to manage finances? You don’t need to hammer out every line of your future budget, but you should both have a similar understanding of how you spend and save money as this will inevitably be a point of conflict at some point in your relationship.
Do they have a healthy understanding of family? If either of you didn’t have a great example, are you willing to work on it? Our family of origin plays a huge role in our future relationships. You both need to have an honest understanding of your home environment and how that has shaped you. Are you both self-aware? Can you both understand the brokenness of your family of origin and articulate what they would like to be different? Are you willing to choose each other over your family when the pressure is on? If you or your partner come from a rough family that doesn’t mean that your relationship is inevitably doomed to fail, but you may need to spend a bit more time processing through hurt and building a strong foundation for your future family. When you marry someone, you are also marrying their family so it is important to address this early on.
Does he run a “one-man show?” Will he genuinely listen and take your opinion into account before making a decision? You want your husband to be able to lead well, but he needs to be able to do that with your heart in mind. He may not always choose what you would- but he should take in all the information and make a balanced decision.
Do they say “I am sorry?” The ability to humble ourselves and apologize covers many sins. We all make mistakes - do they readily admit their faults?
There are many other important factors in the success of your marriage and whether or not you and your partner are suitable, but those are largely impurities and disagreements that will be burned away and purified over the course of a relationship. You need to have a firm grasp on what are the dealbreakers, the things you need to figure out while dating, and the things that can be worked through when married. There are bigger issues that will need time and careful attention to be worked through. There are some disagreements that will require friends and mentors to come alongside you to be solved. But many things can be figured out if you have Christ as the strong base to begin with.
Your relationship is a symphony and you must both be properly tuned if you are to create harmony. If you choose it, the Holy Spirit will be at work within the both of you helping you to grow and love one another better. You need to be willing to let this work happen. If you do, your marriage will sing and the music will be lovely and inviting to others. Though even the best of marriages are but smoke and shadows when compared to the Church and her bridegroom, matrimony possesses the quiet power to give order and beauty to a small piece of this fallen world.
That’s what we all want, right? A marriage that sings. We want the peace and rest we think finding “the one” will give our vexed hearts. In reality, marriage is work and sweat and tears; anything other than sappy sentimentalism. And yet, it is also glorious. Though it will only be in your best moments, marriage gives us a glimpse of Heaven and the communion of saints. Marriage is one of the most refining institutions on this earth. Never before in your life will your sins be so exposed; nowhere else will they have as much of an impact on the people around you (according to my mom, this is also profoundly revealed when you have kids). For the first time in your life, you cannot run from the fallen woman looking back at you in the mirror.
In closing, I want to alter my claim made at the beginning that soulmates do not exist. Soulmates can exist, but they are created within marriages, not discovered outside of them. Make no mistake, transforming your soulmate out of your spouse is the work of a lifetime. It will come easier to some couples than it does to others, but it is accomplished the same way: choosing to love your husband in order to make him lovely, not loving him because he is lovely. This is as difficult as it is humbling, but when the dross is burned away what remains is pure and beautiful and pleasant to God.
Choosing who you marry will be the most important decision you make in your life because it will impact every other decision you make in your life. It is not a covenant to be entered into hastily, yet it ought not be a decision you overthink. At the end of the day, look for a man who loves the Lord and who will seek to imitate His love for you.
Further reading:
Love and Responsibility- Karl Wjtoyla
Theology of the Body- Pope John Paul II
The Four Loves- C.S. Lewis
The Meaning of Marriage- Timothy Keller
Ephesians 5: 25-27
