On Being Single
By: Rachel Marinko
This one’s for all my single ladies out there!
Just kidding.
Although I’m going to talk a lot about singleness, this article is really about contentment and living a full life wherever you are. If you’ve talked to any recent college grad of any relationship status, whether married, single, or having kids, you’ll find a common thread in many of their lives: they’re all just a little bit lost. I could write a whole article on the post-grad identity crisis, but I’ll just distill it into one important thing I’ve learned since graduating three years ago. Living a full life depends very little on external factors and very much on gratefully cultivating the things you’ve been given.
For me, learning to live a full life means learning how to thrive in singleness. I’ve had plenty of time to ponder this topic; in my 25 years of life, I’ve never been in a relationship. I can count on one hand the number of dates I’ve been on. In a place like Hillsdale, where you can learn the genuinely beautiful things about relationships in classes like Theology of the Body, or hear an inspiring talk on homemaking at the Curate Summit, it takes intentionality to see singleness as a gift. The way young women often talk about singleness makes me think of it as a waiting period, just a step on the way to living a full life as a wife and mother. But if I’ve learned anything in the past few years, it’s that living life in wait for the next “big thing” will not get you anywhere at all. In light of this, here are some ponderings on living a full and rich life of singleness.
I’ll start with one of my favorite parts of being single: there are so many opportunities to cultivate all sorts of relationships! Being single does not mean being lonely. As a single person, you have an abundance of time and relational energy to pour into the people around you. In college, my female friendships got my undivided attention, and they came out stronger for it. It’s difficult to figure out the time balance between friends and a boyfriend in college, and I enjoyed the freedom of spending so much time with friends. After college, I’ve had even more time to diversify my relationships in church and work. Babysitting for a desperate mom at the drop of a hat, house-sitting for a church couple visiting their grandkids, or inviting a struggling friend over when she needs it most are all things I’ve been able to do because I have such a flexible schedule. By supporting others, you are also building a network of support around yourself to call on when you do feel lonely.
In addition to using your time and flexibility to support others and build diverse relationships, being single also allows invaluable time for personal growth. Especially in college, as you figure out what things are important to you outside of your family context, it’s important to have space to grow into the things you discover about yourself. When you’re in a relationship it can be difficult to distinguish between healthy compromises you make for the sake of the relationship and unhealthy ways you conform to the expectations and desires of another person at the expense of yourself. It took a breakup for a friend of mine to realize that she had been suppressing her naturally exuberant personality to fit the expectations of her sober, serious boyfriend. Having time to reflect on which aspects of yourself you consider non-negotiables will help you have a healthier and happier relationship. It’s also simply a joy to have the time to cultivate hobbies, grow your gifts and talents, and try new things!
There’s a lot to be said about the joys and benefits of being single, but I’d be ignoring the elephant in the room if I didn’t address the hard parts, too. There are days when I would gladly give up all the benefits of singleness just to get a taste of what everyone else around me seems to have. But as with all hard things in life, wrestling through these feelings can result in so much growth if you allow it. The desire for a relationship is not a bad thing in itself if it propels you to right action. When you feel that longing, take time to understand where that feeling is coming from. Are you lonely and longing for connection? Is it a desire to feel beautiful and valued? Those feelings ultimately only find fulfillment in their Creator. As I’ve wrestled through these things, the times I seek to find my fulfillment in Jesus become especially meaningful moments of grace. The more I struggle, the more I remember that I can’t rely on myself or my life circumstances to find joy and fulfillment.
Ladies, that is the key to living a full and contented life. You are not in control; the One who knows your every need will orchestrate everything in just the right way. We need not wait for God’s timing, because God’s timing is now. He gives us what we need when we need it, and we have only to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. Mercifully, He gives us many things we can enjoy about being single, and He also equips us with His comfort when we long for a relationship. Finding contentment in whatever relationship status you have simply requires a grateful attitude for these gifts. Of course, that’s easier said than done, but your failures are forgiven, and there is always another day to try again. Every day is an opportunity to live in gratitude for the things you’ve been given.
Rachel works for Hillsdale College as a House Director and Director of Student Programs, which basically means she’s involved in almost everything relating to student life. When she’s not on long walks, she’s either dreaming of her next hike or trying to convince a friend to go on a long walk with her.
Fun fact: I’ve been dumpster-diving in Germany to get food for a friend’s birthday party. It’s surprising how much good food you’ll find in a grocery store dumpster.
