The Aches of Singleness
By: Katie Ingham
While I was a student at Hillsdale College, I was asked out only once and it was by my roommate’s boyfriend’s best friend. This first date of mine did eventually turn into a relationship. However, we only dated for two months because I quickly realized we were actually not that compatible in the first place. I have only been asked out by one other boy since, and nothing came of that experience either. So basically, I have never really dated or gotten the chance to try.
In some seasons, singleness has been easier. That was usually the case when my goals were clear, I had at least one really good friend, and I was emotionally honest with myself and my friends.
But there have been plenty of other seasons where my singleness has been really really hard. That ache in my heart to date someone, anyone was so strong; I so desperately wanted a companion and someone to love. I think if you are called to marriage, a part of yourself will feel restless and unfulfilled while not being married. A specific part of our hearts, minds, and souls are unable to fulfill their design because we are not living in the totality of our vocation. However, discomfort can be a powerful learning experience. We are not called to angstily wait around until meet our spouse. So if that is how you feel, it’s time to change some things!
During my senior year at Hillsdale, I had my rhythm figured out. My time was spent studying, working my on campus jobs, and hanging out with my friends, but, at the end of the day, I still felt very dissatisfied. I assumed it was because I wasn’t dating anyone. However, there were other roots of dissatisfaction that needed to be unearthed. A new friendship randomly popped into my life in the middle of that year and my sister brought me into her processing of our childhood. These invitations and new relationships brought me to counseling which opened a whole new door that urgently needed to be walked through. Because I kept my heart open, I was able to say yes to what God wanted me to focus on and I felt so much more joy and satisfaction through focusing on those new topics. At times, did I still desire to be in a relationship? Yes. But I felt peace with what was in my life, and felt content in my singleness. So, if you are feeling very discontent in your singleness, be attune to the new doors God may be opening and take the steps needed in order to walk through them.
Another reason you might be feeling discontent is because you have a crush and you talk to him all the time! I went through a season where I did this exact thing, and my desire to date at the time was insatiable. If this is you, you should just tell him you like him, or set boundaries and stop talking to him every single day. The constant conversations make the ache to date (and to specifically date him) SO strong. Patience is a virtue- allow yourself to be pursued, but don’t wait around forever. Be careful and thoughtful about who you open up to- you were not meant to be best friends with a boy who isn’t willing to commit to you. So pray for the Spirit to guide and then take the actions He is prompting you to take. You won’t ruin anything by talking to him, I promise; God is so much bigger than our hard conversations. Talking to him will give you clarity and confidence, and that is exactly what you need right now.
Okay so what if you have taken both these steps, but all your friends are dating, so, one, you feel lonely, and, two, the desire to have a boyfriend won’t quiet down? Why does everyone around you get companionship but you are left alone? Well, first of all, please tell God all of these frustrations. Tell him what hurts, why it hurts, that you feel angry at Him, that it feels unfair, that you worry it will never happen to you. And also tell your best friend. Open your heart to the people that love you. However, if you find yourself wanting to talk about it with your bestie ALL the time, maybe it’s time you talked to a counselor. They are pretty great at listening and maybe a counselor is just what you need in this season in order to grow in the way God wants you to. At the end of the day, even if it feels wrong to feel these emotions, it’s not. Yes, desires can be disordered, but you must feel the emotions you currently feel, or they will get trapped in your heart and you will be left unable to truly love others well.
You also should listen to your friends’ experiences. You can learn so much about dating by watching and listening to your friends in relationships. In my seasons of singleness, I actually learned a lot about conflict resolution, how to be yourself with another person while also learning how to fulfill another person’s needs, and establishing physical boundaries, all through listening to my friends verbally process and helping them problem solve. Sometimes these conversations will cause that hole in your heart to grow a bit bigger, and sometimes they will quiet it down. But either way, be rest assured that I know what you are feeling.
Here’s the thing girl, whether you like it or not, you are meant to be in this season of singleness. God is preparing you in such a specific way right now. Keep praying, hanging out with your friends, and fulfilling your responsibilities. If marriage is a HUGE desire of your heart, I trust you will be able to experience it one day. Jesus is a promise keeper. But today is not that day, so you must not daydream that dating will fix all your problems. The virtues you will develop in this season (patience, empathy, etc.) will be life-changing. This season will be hard, but also joyful, because that is the recipe for the best experiences in life: hardship and joy.
