What I Learned Dating in College that Serves my Marriage Now
By: Becky Galvan
“Boys’ brains aren’t fully developed until they are 26.”
I often heard this when talking with my dad about boys as I was growing up. Our brains as women are also developing so no wonder dating in college can be a bit messy. I know better to paint with a broad brush when discussing college relationships, but my experience was definitely messy. Initially, I thought about sharing some tips about how to approach relationships in college but what I decided may be more helpful (I hope) is sharing how my messy experience is serving my marriage today.
To give you a bit of backstory, I’ve always been a committed relationship kind of girl. I dated the same boy throughout my middle and high school years. Coming to Hillsdale, that relationship had ended and I was ready to make new friends and have new experiences. My independence didn’t last very long and I was dating a boy by homecoming. We were together until the end of my junior year with ups and downs and a “break” in between. The breakup was painful, to say the least. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that breakups in the Hillsdale bubble are brutal. But, through many tears and processing with my wonderful friends, I moved on. In my senior year, I started dating a boy I had been friends with throughout my time at Hillsdale. Fast forward to 2023 and we’ve been married for five years and have a sweet baby boy who will turn one in May.
So, what did I learn through all of the messiness?
I learned about what I believe and why I believe it.
Dating someone who did not bring out the best in me was painful but it also brought things to light that I needed to work on. I learned that I was not as strong in my convictions as I had thought. After I was able to process the shame I felt from that, it lead me to take a hard look at what I believed about myself and about God. Doing that before I jumped into another relationship built a much stronger foundation than I had when I started college.
I learned that I have to communicate my needs in a relationship.
Sometimes when I describe my first boyfriend from college I say “he wasn’t a bad person, he just didn’t like me very much”. That is, of course, an oversimplification but what I mean is that he did not care to understand or fulfill my needs in the relationship. After taking time to reflect post-breakup, I realized that I never spoke up about what I needed from him. In my marriage, it has been extremely helpful for me to communicate what I need in a straightforward manner. I think it would have taken me much longer to realize the importance of that without my college dating experience.
I learned who the “real me” was.
When I think of myself in my college relationship, I was sort of a chameleon. When I was with my boyfriend I tried to be everything he needed and wanted. When I was around his friends I tried to be what they wanted me to be. After the breakup, I realized I didn’t know who I was without them. This was a big wake-up call. After this realization, I was able to rediscover who I was. Establishing that before my next relationship was so impactful.
I learned what love does not feel like. When I was in college, there was a couple that I idolized. The guy would say and do nice things, anticipate needs, and it appeared that he adored his girlfriend. I wanted to be loved like that so badly. One of the things I’ve beaten myself up over the most is that I stayed in a relationship where I wasn’t valued for so long. Fast forward to today and I’m so grateful that I know what it feels like not to be loved. A friend once told me “if a man loves you he will move mountains for you.” I now know that to be true and I’m so grateful I have that in my marriage
I learned that God has perfect timing.
I often tell people that it is a very good thing that my husband and I didn’t start dating until later in our college career. We both experienced the messiness and both learned from it. When we did start dating those learning experiences made it a much better situation than if we had dated as freshmen.
When I was crying in the bathroom behind AJs at lunch every day for a month post-breakup, I couldn’t see what I was learning, but 10 years after graduation I appreciate all of the heartache I experienced. Today I have a wonderful husband who loves me so well. We continuously are learning about each other and our relationship. Each of us would describe our college dating lives as “messy”. I am so grateful for that messiness today.
So what can you do now? I encourage you to view your dating experiences as learning opportunities. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, going on dates, hanging out at parties, or just thinking about talking to someone in your American Heritage class, take this time to learn. Be curious about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Utilize the plentiful services and mentors Hillsdale has to offer. What you learn now, will serve you many years down the road.
