“You’re going to be so much prouder at the end, Al, just DO NOT STOP.”

The voice in my head echoed this mantra for the last 7 miles of the Chicago Marathon - one of the hardest physical, mental, and emotional challenges of my life. 11 months of training, $2,000 of fundraising, all this came down to these last few miles.

You may be wondering - what would possess someone (who has never engaged in an endurance sport in her life) to run 26.2 miles straight. Well, let me tell you a little story about college Al.

When I attended Hillsdale, my life was calculated, exacting, scheduled, and goal-oriented. I sought to be an All-American pole-vaulter in the NCAA, and my coach would kick my butt if I didn’t put in 100% every practice. I wanted to graduate with honors, I wanted to land internships and a good job. I also had mentors built right into my schedule - upperclassmen, team captains, professors, my sorority big, and my parents of course - only a phone call away.

It was exhausting, yes, and I felt burnt out at times - but my life had vision and purpose, with concrete, attainable goals to strive for. But let me tell you a little something about life after college - THERE IS NO ROAD MAP. The day I walked across the stage at graduation, I suddenly felt like I was standing at the edge of a dark chasm, no more directions, no more hand-holding, and no goals specifically set out for me. The excellent student ethic I’d built up over the course of 22 years was suddenly, seemingly useless.

My physical, mental, and emotional health took a hit after college - as it often does for most people. A life without classes and grades, practices and PR’s, Bigs and Captains - what on earth was I supposed to orient my growth around?

I’ll save you the dreary details of the first 6 months, where I sat in bed, “Netflix n’ crying” far too much, and I’ll skip to the part where I learned how to make my own path to wellness (or rather, God graced me with it).

After seeing a close friend run a marathon, and on a gut feeling, I signed on to 11 months dedicated to fundraising and distance training for the Chicago Marathon. It wasn’t a deliberate choice - I’m pretty sure I entered the race at about 2 AM on a Thursday night (reminiscent of those late night Instagram ad purchases, only MUCH more rewarding). But in the next 11 months, the marathon became my PASSION PROJECT. A goal I had chosen for myself, to dedicate my time and energy towards outside of work. I fundraised for a rehab center in honor of my late father, who passed away from alcohol and drug abuse my senior year of college, and whose baggage I had been carrying my whole life.

And guys, choosing to train for a marathon was truly the best decision of my life. In those long, difficult miles, I found a physical and mental strength I didn’t even know I had. I had never run more than 3 miles before! Fellow staff members joined me to form a training group, which proved to be some of the best mentorship and accountability I’ve found outside of college. And as I began to fundraise, and share my story around my relationship with my father, a strange sort of catharsis began to happen - and friends, that healing has been a LONG time coming.

Crossing that finish line on October 13th at the Chicago Marathon meant a lot, but it didn’t even come close to the months of dedication it took to get there. So, while I now often encourage people to run a distance race sometime in their life - that’s not the advice I want to give here. What I have to offer is this: Find your Passion Project.

Find something that is going to take a lot of you - physically, mentally, emotionally. Something that scares you a little. Something that is going to take a long time to work towards, and has nothing to do with your daily obligations (school, sport, work, etc). Find that thing, and commit. If it’s a race - pay the deposit. If it’s learning to code - sign up for the online class. Do it immediately. Don’t wait for someone to tell you to, or for life to slow down, because newsflash: It’s not going to. Find your passion project, and watch how the commitment to something you chose for yourself feels. It’s a game-changer, and it to-date, it’s the best way I’ve found to create a path of wellness for my life. I challenge you to find your Passion Project - and don’t wait one more second. I’m here if you need the push :)

When I landed on the front steps of my freshman year dorm, I landed with a back pack full of self-doubt, perfectionism, and way too many books. I looked around and it appeared everyone else’s back packs were filled with self-confidence and excitement. I was excited to begin this new adventure, but I was incredibly worried about the image I would portray to both my peers and professors – would they find out I was a fraud? Maybe, I wasn’t as smart as they thought I was. Maybe, I wasn’t as ‘cool’ as they thought I was. What if they found out I was struggling with my identity and struggling with how to do this thing called ‘adult life’? What if they found out I really had no idea what I was doing even though I portrayed an air of confidence? What if?

I made friends easily at college, but still something seemed to be missing. I hit the gym and did the only things I knew to do…I kept my athletic body in shape and ate all the right things. I studied hard, worked multiple jobs, and spent time listening to my friends when they needed to process something. For all intents and purposes, I looked like I had it all together in my high-achieving world…but something was still missing. 

As I sit here with a full cup of hot Chai tea, and reflect on my health as a college student, I can confidently say I was the picture of what the world says is successful.  Internally, though, I was nowhere near living out a healthy life and I was terrified of anyone finding out. I had it all – or almost – but didn’t feel fulfilled. Sure, I had the grades and the jobs and the volunteer hours. I had the friends and the dreams and the future goals. I had everything I needed externally to be happy and successful, but there was something that felt so empty – so…unsettled. I weaved this perfectionistic-people-pleasing web that held me captive and hindered me from cultivating true joy and peace. It held me back from living a truly healthy life.

So, as I take a sip of my tea, I find myself asking what I know now about being a whole, healthy person that I wish I had known then. Here are some things that come to mind:

• I wish I had known it’s okay to make mistakes.

• I wish I had known it’s okay to be vulnerable and real with people around me.

• I wish I had known that healthy is actually not having all the answers but rather allowing others to mentor me along the way.

• I wish I had known that people are more concerned about who you are and the story you’re living than the GPA you achieve.

•  I wish I had known that peace comes from discovering who you are and doing your best to love yourself and others in the midst of failure, heartache, and pain.

Healthy isn’t about what I can achieve, but rather about the kind of person I’m becoming. Healthy isn’t about hoping no one finds out you have weaknesses, but rather being honest about our struggles and finding friends who do the same. It’s about building each other up and walking with each other on this journey called life, whatever it entails. Healthy is about caring for our emotional, spiritual, physical, social, mental, and behavioral health. It’s allowing close friends and wise mentors to lovingly show us areas where we aren’t doing well and lovingly reflecting on ourselves. Healthy is about making sure we aren’t doing life alone. Healthy is about knowing you have intrinsic value just because you’re human. Healthy is taking a balanced view on life – knowing life is both inconceivably hard and full of absolute joy, with many moments in between. Healthy is about learning how to live in the gray, the balance, the ordinary moments and finding peace in those places.

So what does that look like? For me, it’s enjoying a walk in nature and observing the colorful fall. It’s curling up in a blanket on the couch with a good book and something warm to eat. It’s taking time to dream big. It’s feeding my body food that is good for my body and indulging sometimes, too. It’s moving my body and exercising. Sometimes it’s spending time with friends having fun or talking about the hard things in life and sometimes it’s taking time alone to rest and restore and reflect. Healthy looks different for everyone, but the first step is allowing yourself to be human, in all of its intricacies and struggles.