IN THIS ISSUE:
The 103 Girls: Finding Friendships to last a Lifetime
The Relationship Challenge: 5 Tough Questions to Ask about your Relationship
Q and A with Jenny Pridgeon and Mary Margaret Spiteri
Podcast Recommendation: The Art of Relationships
Throughout college, I experienced many types of relationships. From dorm relationships, work relationships, dating relationships and “forced-to-work-together-on-a-project” relationships to real and genuine friendship, the opportunity for relationship was all around me. It can be quite overwhelming to manage all the relationships you have on and off campus. Part of your heart remains with the friendships you’re trying to maintain off campus and yet, you’re spending so much time with new friends on campus. It could feel like you’re not adequate in any relationship.
I remember my first day at college thinking “Making friends as a kid was so much easier than this. How do I make friendships as an adult?!” As a child, one experience of painting nails together creates a friendship. Or, one incredible kick-ball experience where you finally (and I mean finally) get picked first, and suddenly your team is stuck together like glue.
Relationships are messy – so messy – but the most important ones are built in moments of vulnerability and honesty. These relationships will last through your college years, to marriages, family building, career changes, loss, suffering, and everything in between. They will last even when the physical distance is far between you and your friends. Dr. Brene Brown, a well-known researcher on shame and vulnerability, says that “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are. It requires us to be who we are.” I didn’t realize the importance at the time, but this defined my college friendships, many of which have continued into adulthood.
“Relationships are messy – so messy – but the most important ones are built in moments of vulnerability and honesty.”
My first day of junior year began a lifelong journey of friendship with my “103 girls”. As we sat in 95-degree weather laughing at the fact that one of our roommates froze the air-conditioning unit to our apartment, I peered up at the numbers on the door: 103. This was where I would live for the next two years. The 103 girls would be who I shared my life story with and they with me. They would call on me in the middle of the night when they struggled to sleep or found themselves in a precarious situation and I would do the same. We would watch movies and eat copious amounts of peanut butter covered in dark chocolate chips. The 103 girls were there for tears, celebrations, late night talks, and never-ending support. Their encouragement molded me into who I am today.
Years later, the 103 girls are now “grown up” women who still call on each other for support and encouragement. We’ve been to each other’s weddings and baby showers. We’ve received phone calls from each other after receiving really difficult news. We’ve learned that when you find those friends who give you space to be who you are, no matter what that looks like, you hold on to each other.
What I hope for you is that you take your time finding people in your life who don’t require you to be anything but yourself. Find the people who call you to be something greater, not because they want you to be, but rather because they help you to see your own potential. Find the people who can share your most painful and joyous moments in life. Find the people who believe in you and love you in all your intricacies. May you find your 103 girls, laughing on the front lawn about freezing your air-conditioner on a 95 degree day and may you learn a lesson about how air-conditioners work, while you’re at it.
At the pit of my “sophomore slump”, I was waking up in a room where I would get ready in the dark and walk on eggshells every day to make sure I didn’t upset my roommate. My weekends were filled with self-doubt and worry as I followed my boyfriend from party to party, fearing he would decide he liked another girl more than me.
“Cultivate a community where you are loved and supported to be uniquely you – it makes for a life well-lived.”
My first two years were spent trying to become who others wanted me to be. As a result, I completely lost myself. When I look back now I want to yell at that person: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT!
I would like to tell you that I had a light bulb moment and immediately ended those toxic relationships, but that was not the case. I had built my identity at Hillsdale around those relationships. When each of these relationships started, they were great, but they slowly slipped into unhealthy territory. In hindsight, we were both at fault, and I could have managed the relationships better through reflection and an honest conversation.
In that time, I wish I had asked myself these questions:
Am I myself around this person?
Is this a person I can trust?
Do I feel secure, or do I feel like I have to watch what I say and do?
Is the person supportive and am I treated with respect?
Do I feel better after spending time with this person?
As painful as the endings of those relationships were for me, I did eventually heal. Then, I was able to spend my time cultivating relationships where I could answer “Yes” to all of those questions. Now, I am blessed to have a husband (football coach, Nick Galvan!) who I never doubt how much he loves me, and best friends with whom I can be 100% myself.
My challenge to you is to review your close relationships and ask yourself the above questions. If you answer ‘no’ to some of the questions, it’s time to have a conversation and discuss the unhealthy parts of your relationship. If the answer is ‘no’ to all, I encourage you to find the courage to walk away. It will seem like the end of the world, especially at Hillsdale, but the temporary pain you experience will be worth it in the end. Cultivate a community where you are loved and supported to be uniquely you – it makes for a life well lived.
Q: What are some tips for forming new relationships at Hillsdale?
Jenny | Looking back on my time as a Hillsdale student, I am still filled with admiration by people in my circle who were indiscriminately kind to everyone. They appreciated every person they met for their own sake - learning from them as much as anything else. I would encourage you to do the same, as I was incredibly blessed by those people and still try to emulate them. With that said, my tips are these: 1. Friendships begin by being inquisitive. Don't be afraid to ask the next question - care deeply about their story. 2. Find opportunities (or make them) to rally people.
Mary Margaret | Like attracts like. Follow your interests and do not be afraid of what your roommate, teammate, or boyfriend might think. Early on, I stuck around familiar people instead of surrounding myself with what I truly love. As soon as I joined groups that interested me, I made lifelong friendships. So follow your heart - join a club team, sign up for a gardening event, or go to poetry night - you'll be glad you did.
Q: What are components of healthy relationships and why?
Jenny | This is a lesson I am still learning, but here are three thoughts:
When I consider my closest friendships and what they all have in common, they are hospitable, they meet me where I am but hope for better, they offer wise counsel, and we laugh a lot.
Unreasonable expectations can kill any kind of relationship or push it into unhealthy territory. Avoid depending on your friends or significant other for your sense of worth or to always give you what you need exactly when you need it.
Friendships and relationships should be a mixture of give and take. I ask myself, "am I meeting my friends' needs like they are mine?" You should feel like you are serving as much as you feel grateful that someone else is serving you.
Mary Margaret | In any type of relationship it is important to stay true to your values while allowing room for growth. Look to relationships as an opportunity to enrich your life. Some components that are absolutely necessary for allowing this growth are honesty, respect, and giving space when needed.
Q: How should women approach singleness, dating, or commitment during college?
Jenny | College is a great opportunity to find your life-mate, but let's not fall into the trap that it is a necessity. Singleness is not a stigma. I have a handful of friends who met great people in college, married them right after graduation, and their lives are happy and full. But I have also seen that there is no lonelier place than a bad marriage. Don't idolize that status. Speaking for only myself, I am so very thankful that I had my 20s to pursue great friendships, build community, go on adventures, and develop into a more mature person who could bring a lot to a serious relationship. I would encourage you to have high standards (in important things - not height or major), and if you don’t see anyone who meets those standards, don’t despair. Don’t get desperate out of fear for what your future will look like. The education at Hillsdale prepares you for incredible things. Be committed to that education and to the friendships that make your life beautiful.
Mary Margaret | Jumping into a serious relationship at the beginning of college caused me to put unnecessary demands and expectations on myself and my boyfriend. At Hillsdale, it is easy to feel caught up in the "ring by spring" culture. It was toxic most of the time and fortunately ended early in my junior year. In hindsight, I wish I looked at that relationship as an opportunity to grow - not relying on someone else for fulfillment but instead allowing myself to flourish. A relationship should help to enrich your life and challenge you to think outside of yourself. A relationship should never be limiting and exhausting, if it is, reevaluate.
Jenny Pridgeon
Director of Field Recruitment, Admissions
Mary Margaret Spiteri
Contact Center Director
There have been numerous studies that tell us how the relationships we have in our lives can impact our overall physical, mental, and emotional health. But how do you know if the relationship you are in with another person is healthy for you?
In this podcast, they tackle this essential question as it relates to all the different relationships we may have in our life-friendship, romantic, or familial.
In the episode entitled, "Signs of a Healthy Friendship," Dr. Chris Grace and Dr. Timothy Muehlhoff discuss the signs of a healthy friendship. If you want more insight into how to grow and maintain healthy relationships, this podcast is a must listen!