A Fresh Look At Dating–An Abridged Version
By: Stephanie Maxwell
For over two decades now, I have been counseling high school students, college students, and young adults on dating. What I have found actually as I have talked with young people–girls AND guys—is that there’s a lot of fear and confusion about dating. Why should I date? When should I date? Who should I date? How do I date well? Why am I not dating? What if I never find the right person? Should I stay with this person? How do I know if he’s “the one”?
The other predominant feeling is desire and longing: I’m dating, and I just want to be with this person, or I’m not dating, and oh how I wish I were! I’ve spent a lot of time talking about this, but more importantly, I’ve lived it. I remember the heartache, emotions, confusion, and longing. I’ve broken off relationships—and not always in admirable ways. I’ve had the experience of being unexpectedly dropped by the man I was planning to marry.
After that heartbreak, I went four years without dating. I was the last of my friend group to get married. At one point in my 20s, I had eleven bridesmaid dresses in my closet. Chances are, no matter what you may be going through, I can relate, and the first thing I want to say to you is this, because it is the one bit of advice that applies to every situation: Seek first God and His kingdom.
Seek first God. You are not less of a person if you aren’t currently in a relationship, and no earthly relationship will ever completely satisfy you if you aren’t first and foremost satisfied in Christ.
Dating isn’t mentioned once in the Bible, so this is a time to use Scripture as a compass, not as a GPS.
First, longing for a relationship is not bad! The problem comes when we either let that longing consume us and turn it into an idol or when we try to fulfill that longing in the wrong ways. The longing you feel for a relationship provides a great opportunity to sacrifice self. Offer those emotions, desires, heartaches, and joys to God, and seek first God and His kingdom. You don’t know what you are going to face, but you do get to choose who you face it with.
God lets you make that choice and you do have some agency. A good marital choice is a gift that keeps on giving. A poor choice is a bad investment that you never get to pay off. In a bad marriage, you carry a burden every day. In a good marriage, burdens are shared, and joys are doubled.
Why do we date?
Most Christians today are getting married for the same reasons as non-Christians, and it’s not working. The primary reasons are:
Infatuation: They feel something that they’ve never felt—a transcendent connection with the other person (the emotion of being “in love”).
Sexual chemistry: There’s electricity when they touch, and the sexual tension is high (attraction).
Compatibility: They have such a good time on dates, and have so much in common.
If these three things are present, or present AND he’s a Christian, most people think, “We’ve found our match, let’s get married.” But none of these three or even all of them put together predict future marital success. Let me explain. I am not saying that infatuation, sexual chemistry, and compatibility are wrong in and of themselves. In fact, they often are the spark that ignites a relationship. But they aren’t good enough reasons to get married. There must be something else.
Biochemically, infatuation lasts 12 to 18 months (sometimes shorter). That’s it. And when something doesn’t last long enough to get your first child out of diapers, it’s probably not relevant enough to make a life-long decision. In fact, infatuation can lead you astray. It clouds our judgment and makes us blind. We literally start to relate to somebody who doesn’t exist. The term neurologists use is idealization: we minimize the other’s flaws and magnify their strengths. Do you know what every counselor and therapist will tell you they hear over and over, say five, six years into a relationship when someone has been carried away by infatuation into a marriage?
“He’s not who I thought he was.”
And that’s true because they connected with somebody created in their mind. Dr. Helen Fisher says infatuation is when one or both partners develop a goal-oriented fixation on winning the beloved. You’re so focused on getting and keeping the person that you don’t think, “are they worth getting/are they worth keeping?” Interestingly, this makes you feel desperate, fearful, and clingy. You feel desperate to win them and clingy to make sure they don’t get away. Are you at his beck and call all the time? Is your mood dependent on whether or not he interacts with you or how it went?
Sexual chemistry or attraction is equally transient. That electricity won’t sustain life-long satisfaction, even in the sexual relationship. Where sexual relationships start to break down in marriage, always has to do with character, not initial chemistry. That comes and goes. What sustains sexual chemistry and intimacy in marriage is when you have two people of character who know how to forgive, who live by the Gospel and live by grace. They still care about each other and can still feel affectionate and playful toward each other, even with the hurts that are involved in marriage. It’s character that sustains sexual satisfaction in marriage.
Now, I’m not saying attraction doesn’t matter. It’s an important part of marriage. In fact, I’ll make it stronger. If the thought of seeing this person naked makes you want to vomit, please don’t marry them, all right? You’re going to have issues later on in your marriage. But it won’t be sustained by that initial sexual chemistry.
Do you know what compatibility is the best predictor of? How well you’re going to get along when you have free time or go on vacation. That’s not a bad thing at all. But ask married people how much free time they have or how many weeks of vacation they get a year and that should provide some indication that there has to be something more than compatibility.
If we want to have relationships that honor God and successful marriages, we have to realize that there are things that are more important than what the culture looks at. And there are many things the Bible urges us to consider that are far more appropriate and applicable for how to make a wise marital choice. These seven qualities provide a better barometer for a successful marriage.
Who do we marry?
Somebody who knows how to handle conflict.
When we are in relationship with someone, there will inevitably be conflict. Conflict isn’t the issue. Conflict reveals values and feelings, and it can do wonderful things to help you grow in understanding each other. So, conflict can be very helpful if it’s handled in a mature and Godly way.
If it’s not, it will rip that infatuation apart faster than you can believe. And two real concerns when it comes to conflict are those who completely avoid conflict or when somebody cannot handle anger without blowing up. When it comes to dating and a guy’s getting a little bit rough or physical, here’s my advice. One strike, and he’s out. If he’s a little too angry dating, he will be much too angry married. This goes for emotional abuse too, which is harder to identify. A clear marker is this: Does he demean you? He’s simply not ready to be married if he can’t handle frustration without rage.
Someone who will be a spectacular parent.
You’re not just choosing your husband, you’re choosing your kids’ dad. When your kids are theoretical you don’t realize how much they’re going to grip your heart and never let go. It’s hard to imagine what that’s going to be like. But do you know how many times I think to myself, “out of all the things I’ve done for Kate and Luke (my two kids), what I am most grateful for is this: I gave them the best father I could find.”
My friend Julie got married right out of college to a man who said he believed in God but clearly did not make his faith a priority. After they had children, Julie took the kids to church with her every weekend by herself, because the most important thing to her was that her children would become believers in Christ. Eventually, the kids stopped going to church, and now, I’m sad to say, Julie stays home too. Both kids, now teenagers, have no faith of their own. Remember that when you choose to marry, you’re also choosing your kid’s dad.
Someone who knows how to pray.
It probably doesn’t sound very exciting but it is so key. I’m not just talking about praying out loud. I’m talking about someone who has a personal, private prayer life.
When my husband is praying, it makes all the difference to the stability of our home. I don’t even have to ask, I can tell from how he handles tension, stress, and the way he treats us. There is a fundamental difference in the way my husband operates when he’s praying and in the Word and when he’s not. The same is true for me. I will tell you that 90% of the changes I have made in my marriage haven’t come because my husband has challenged me or confronted me. They’ve come when I’ve been praying and God convicts me. Now it’s not between me and my husband; it’s between me and my God.
How do you know if a man prays? Sometimes when a guy sees that you’re a Christian, he will act like he’s into God because you’re really into God, and he’s really into you, so he acts like he’s into God too. This was the case with Julie’s husband.
Here’s a good test: If I have a close friend, it is beyond imagining that my husband would never have heard about her, she would never come up in a conversation, and he would never see me spending time with her. So, do some careful listening: if your boyfriend never talks about God, they’re never talking to God. God is not silent. He’s dynamic in a person’s life, so find someone who prays.
Somebody who’s humble.
Humility might be underrated when it comes to marriage, but I believe humility is the preserver of happiness in marriage and the foundation for growth in marriage, so that you can grow ever closer day by day and year by year.
James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways.” Nobody gets to marry the perfect fourth member of the Trinity, because that person doesn’t exist. The only thing more difficult than being married to somebody who isn’t perfect is being married to somebody who isn’t perfect, and thinks they are. It won’t be about any mistakes that they have made or how they can grow. It will always come back to, “This was your fault. If you will change, our marriage will improve.”
Three times in Scripture, we’re told that God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Ask yourself, does he want to grow every bit as much as he wants you to change?
Now here’s the challenge because often you’ll go on those five-hour first dates, and you’ll share all of your past, which I don’t recommend, but it’s very common, and you’ll think—WOW. He’s really being vulnerable. That takes a lot of humility. But it doesn’t take a lot of humility for a guy to confess something that he did 3 years ago.
If you want to know if somebody’s humble, ask: what is he sharing with you that God is convicting him about today? If it’s true that we all stumble in many ways, and he can’t think of one way that he stumbles now, that’s probably a red flag. A person who isn’t humble and teachable won’t change because he doesn’t think he needs to change.
Someone who is generous.
Some people get joy out of giving. Some people get their highest joy out of taking. And the problem is, when couples start dating, you often have a giver who’s dating a taker. The giver gets to give. The taker gets to take. They feel like it’s a match made in heaven. But marriage is a life-long marathon and the time is going to come when the giver needs to receive, and the taker needs to give. And often, rather than having empathy for you, the taker will feel sorry for himself because his whole world is oriented toward himself.
Your ability to give, to build God’s kingdom, to do God’s work, will be cut in half if you marry a taker—because it’s sucked out by the person you’re married to. But when you marry another giver, your ability to give grows exponentially. You inspire each other. You encourage each other. You support each other. You free each other in a sense to be able to give twice, three, ten times as much as you would be as an individual.
Someone of obvious integrity.
A person who will cheat on the golf course, or in his job or in the classroom, will cheat elsewhere. If a person will lie to a teacher, to a parent, what makes you think he won’t lie to you someday? You want a person who is honest to the core, honest to a fault. You want a guy of integrity. You also want to observe the guy in a variety of stressful situations. You need to see him when he’s visiting a hospitalized loved one, or when his grandma dies, you need to see how he treats his mother when he’s annoyed with her, and what he’s like when he’s late for an appointment due to traffic.
Someone that leads.
Does he have the ability to think for himself, weigh options, and make good decisions? By leading, I am not talking about someone who is a bulldozer. In fact, I’m talking leadership that acknowledges mistakes and is never selfish or domineering, marked by an attitude of servanthood. You don’t want a bulldozer, but you also don’t want a pushover. You should be more than a little concerned if the guy needs to check with someone else or call his mom whenever he needs to make a decision. This gets to his ability to support a family and provide stability. Can this individual hold a job, finish tasks, and show up on time? Is he dependable?
Look at Galatians 5:19-23. Paul tells you what to avoid, and he tells you what to look for. He says the acts of the sinful nature are obvious red flags. Sexual immorality: does he put his pleasure above your standing and integrity before God? Impurity and debauchery: is he drawn to the crude? Idolatry and witchcraft: is God his first priority? Hatred, discord, jealousy: does he always seem to be at odds with everybody? Selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy: is his world centered around serving himself or around serving others. Drunkenness, orgies, and the like. Paul is talking about addictions there, and I would say, please be very careful here, ladies. Addictions stamp our brains, and we’re always more susceptible once we’ve given way to creating the neural pathway of an addiction. Self-control is vastly underrated.
Now look at what Paul says we should look for. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Most of us have heard those words so often that they’ve almost lost their potency. They’re too familiar. But just imagine what it would be like to marry somebody who is motivated and filled with love. They love God. They love you. They love others. How that would inspire you, bless you, and encourage you to grow in love yourself?
Infatuation (neurologically it fades), sexual chemistry (it’s fickle, and physical beauty doesn’t last), compatibility (it’s not enough either)—these things, have nothing to do with long-term satisfaction in marriage. But if you base your decision off the fruit of the Spirit, here’s what’s amazing. The fruit of the Spirit grows because God makes it grow.
The source isn’t the person himself. The source is God within him. Kindness gets wider. Peace gets deeper. Goodness goes higher. Wisdom is increased. And so, if you fall in love with someone for that reason, you will love him more at year 20, 30, and 40 than you ever did at day 20 or month 20 or year 2. If you ask my kids, they will tell you that I say all the time, “The more I know your dad, the more I love him.” And it’s true!
Not only are you giving your children a parent who will model Christ in his life and who will invite them to embrace that same Savior, you’re also bringing along a partner with whom shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand, you can serve God and give your marriage meaning and purpose.
Now, I’m guessing you may ask: “How can I tell the difference between a red-flag character flaw and just a lack of maturity? Because we can’t expect a 20-year-old to show the traits of a mature godly man.” Absolutely right. Character development is a process that doesn’t end this side of heaven. That’s true for guys, and it’s true for us. So what you want to see is a man on a trajectory. They’re opening up their hearts to the work of the Spirit. They’re studying Scripture. God has their heart. Does he seek first God and His kingdom?
“Seek first” in the Greek is in present progressive tense. Keep seeking. It’s ongoing action in present time. Is he seeking God’s kingdom and righteousness? Is he teachable? You can’t expect a 20 or even a 25-year-old to exhibit all the fruit of the spirit in a fully developed form. It takes time. And it takes time for you as well.
When do we date?
Find your identity before you make your relationship your identity. Desperation and dating is a toxic mix. You need to find your fulfillment in Christ first. Absolutely the most important step before dating, I believe, is to go deeper in your own life of faith. If you are desperate to be loved, that’s a very dangerous place to be dating from.
I knew a marriage counselor who said in all his decades of marital counseling, he never met a couple who had marriage problems. They all had single problems that grew exponentially when they were put under the magnifying glass of marriage. You want to have your heart needs met by the Lord, you want to know His acceptance and grace. You want to be filling your heart first and foremost with Him. If you want to find a person who seeks first God and His kingdom, you have to do that as well. Go deeper in your faith, know the Lord, because desperation and dating is a toxic mix. If you are looking for somebody to be what only God can be, you’ll be sorely disappointed.
How do we date?
Let’s start by addressing a popular myth, especially among Christian women. It goes something like this: God will bring the right person, a soulmate, at the right time if I just sit back and wait. Do you know that this idea comes from Plato, not Scripture? In Plato’s Symposium, Aristophanes says that there was a prototype human that was male and female together in a round body and became threatening to the gods. So Zeus separated the two halves. Each half would be so desperate to find their missing half that they wouldn’t have anything left over to challenge the gods. Then once they found them, they’d be so desperate to stay together that they would leave the gods alone.
No one would say that story is true, and yet there are still many people who believe that there’s this one lost person among the billions of people living on this earth who will complete them. The biblical worldview of singleness is not that we are incomplete and find wholeness in marriage. Quite the contrary. Think of the apostle Paul or Jesus Himself. Single or married, we find wholeness only in Christ. When you date, you’re not looking for someone to complete you. You’re looking for someone with whom you can share your love for God, with whom you can share the journey toward learning to love other people, with whom you can share Matthew 6:33, “Seeking first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.” The richest marriages I’ve seen are those that exist for something bigger than themselves. The husband and wife are together passionate about the Kingdom. They worship and serve God together. The couple is outward facing, instead of inward facing in a self-centered focus on themselves.
Should you just sit back and wait for the right person to come along at the right time? When I look at the normative teaching of scripture, I see Scripture encouraging people to be active in pursuing this decision. I never hear high school seniors saying, “If God wants me to go to Hillsdale College, Larry Arnn will send me a dorm key.” Or college students saying, “If God wants me to work for Apple, Tim Cook will call me.” We know we have to pursue a college and a job. Why do we think we don’t have to pursue marriage?
A person will relocate to go to college, you’ll fill out dozens of applications to get an internship, you’ll spend countless hours in research to get a job. Why wouldn’t you do the same thing for something that the Bible says is even better than a good job? You might be thinking, that’s all well and good for the guys who are supposed to be the initiators, but what about the girls? How can a young woman maintain her godly femininity, allow the guy to initiate, while still pursuing marriage? And what if you’re ready but no one is asking you out?
First, let me underscore that I am very much a complementarian. The Bible teaches that men and women are equal in value and dignity but different in their roles and functions. I’m not encouraging a reversal of roles. The first step is to go deeper in your own faith life. Make sure that your longing to be loved, accepted, and desired is first met by Christ. Second, do field research. Go to married people that you know and say, “Has marriage been easier or more difficult than you thought it would be?” And then just listen. Ask “What made it more difficult?” or “What have the challenges been?” Talk with happily married couples and couples who are struggling. And then, third, I’d say, go into “What makes for a successful marriage?” You’re going to come up with some common denominators to pay attention to: like communication and conflict resolution. Find traits that make for a successful marriage, seek to grow them in yourself, and then start to look for them in others.
Then, be willing to talk to guys. Do you remember the Yule Ball in Harry Potter, when Harry and Ron were bemoaning that girls are unapproachable because they travel in packs? Every now and then, break away from the pack. Be friendly and talk to guys in your classes. Foster friendships with the opposite sex. Now is the time when that is not only appropriate; I would encourage it! You can also signal that you’re open to being asked out by letting a couple of close friends (or better yet, a couple of trusted mentors) know that you’re willing to be set up. Organize outings that include guys and girls. If there’s a particular guy that you’re interested in, be strategic. Have you read the Old Testament book of Ruth lately? There are ways to engage without being too forward.
And if you do all those things and still find yourself in a waiting season, remember:
Seek first God and His kingdom!
Accept that the longings you feel are normal. Offer them back to God as a sacrifice, and do the next right thing.
Listen to Stephanie’s full talk here!
Stephanie Maxwell | ‘96
Stephanie loves working as an Academic Counselor in Academic Services! In her free time, she reads voraciously, directs the College Baptist Church youth group with her husband, and spends as much time as possible with her two children.
