Peace Over Perfection: Navigating Love and Discernment in a Broken World
By: Jaime (Boerema) Smith
The call to discernment carries across all areas of life, and our relationships are no different. We’d love to have relationships that are uncomplicated and straightforward, but that often simply isn’t reality. I’d love to share some thoughts with you about discernment in both the decision to date and in the choice to get married.
As women, part of the discernment process in dating comes through responsiveness. We’re given the opportunity to say yes or no to potential relationships, which is both difficult and meaningful. Think about it: sure, you may not be the one asking your crush on a date, but when a high-quality guy who you didn’t anticipate shows up and wants to take you out, you also have the advantage of making the choice to say “yes” to unexpected possibilities. As you’re thinking about whether or not to engage in a dating relationship, I’d encourage you to think about the following (Disclaimer: I haven’t always followed my own advice):
Say yes to dates with guys who you know are high quality men–even if you’re not sure if you like them. Obviously, don’t date someone you know you don’t like, but feel free to give someone a chance!
We can’t force someone to want to be with us. Part of discernment is learning when to say “you know what? This guy I am interested in has had ample time to pursue me, and has chosen not to. I do not need to beg for a guy’s attention–and I would prefer to be with a man who knows what (and who) he wants.”
Don’t be a “pick me” girl. This may sound harsh, but it’s hard to be discerning if your MO is being super flirty with guys in general. If you’re way too open and available, it’s hard to discern if a guy actually likes you, or if he just likes the attention you’re giving him. The reality is, we all like attention, and it’s not bad to be intentional towards a guy you like. I’d just caution you from stepping over into “pick me” territory.
Stop texting the guy who acts like he likes you but won’t be upfront with you. It will mess with your sense of direction, and it will not ask him to take ownership of his actions or make a meaningful decision to pursue you. Obviously, if you’re just starting to get to know someone, give him time to make his intentions clear. I’m not advocating for assuming every guy who doesn’t ask you out right away is flaky. But let’s be real–you can usually tell the difference between a man who is being intentional to get to know you and a guy who just wants female attention.
Similar to the previous point: stop hanging out one-on-one with a guy who clearly likes you but will not call things what they are. This is not about trying to make a guy commit to you prematurely. It’s simply saying that if someone cannot be honest with you, a potential relationship probably isn’t in the cards. That doesn’t mean you can never date a guy who isn’t clear with you right away, but I would suggest waiting until he steps up before giving him too much of your time.
A wise man once told me, “don’t make someone a priority if you’re only an option.” If it’s clear that you’re only an option to someone, stop making him your priority. And the same goes both ways: you can’t expect a guy to make you his priority if you’re constantly giving multiple guys a lot of attention.
Be prayerful and seek advice…but don’t ask everyone’s opinion.
Trust your gut–sometimes you just know if something is a good or bad thing. Don’t overthink it. It’s important to learn the difference between anxiety and true gut feelings. If you can recognize anxiety and call it what it is, it doesn’t have to define how you walk forward in a good relationship.
Your discernment should come in the form of deciding whether or not you feel led to be with someone, not whether or not they’re even into you. Of course, I would never advocate for just marrying the first nice guy who comes along and gives you attention. Still, realize you might be limiting yourself if you never give someone the chance to win you over. Never underestimate the blessing that comes from a man who knows what he wants and doesn’t play games. And don’t be the girl who just wants attention from guys–that rarely turns out well or leads to a lasting love.
Once you are in a healthy and good relationship, it’s natural to eventually begin thinking about marriage. I think we can all agree that the decision to get married is one that should be made only after careful consideration, support from trusted loved ones, and ample prayer. However, we've all heard the saying, “you can have too much of a good thing.” This can be true, even in something as serious as dating.
Sometimes, in our pursuit of discernment, we can start to become self-absorbed as healthy discernment about character, compatibility, and attraction begins to morph into an assessment of whether or not our boyfriends are living up to the internal (and often idealistic) expectations we have in our heads. Essentially, I would like to suggest that sometimes what we call “discernment” is really just self-centeredness masked as prudence. If every frustration we have in our relationships can be used as an excuse to withdraw in the name of discernment, we create patterns of elevating our perspectives without being discerning at all. Ultimately, if you think you can have perfection, you’re actually demanding a life that doesn’t exist.
When we realize the advice to be careful and discerning can lead to unintentional selfishness, we should stop and carefully assess whether we've raised our own fears, hopes, and expectations of fulfillment to the level of ultimate importance. It can take time, but if we're looking for a healthy and committed relationship, we need to learn grace and patience–and maybe a little bit of humility too. How do we walk the line between discernment and selfishness? I’d suggest that we need to look at our relationships through a lens of honesty:
First off, practice gratitude. If you’ve gotten into the habit of being critical and demanding, stop and dwell on something you love about your boyfriend.
Secondly, distinguish between preferences and red flags. It’s not bad to have preferences, but don’t conflate them with essentials. However, if the deeper problem is that you don’t trust your boyfriend or you have reason to think he isn’t a good man, then you obviously need to have a different conversation with yourself. Knowing the difference between red flags and preferences is important.
We also need to have some humility. Realize that you are not the most loveable, perfect person to ever exist. Think about the ways your boyfriend cherishes you and sacrifices for you despite your many flaws. This has been very convicting for yours truly. The steady love and grace I am given by my fiancé even when I’m less-than-lovely is truly humbling.
Ultimately, if you realize that there is not some perfect life you can work hard enough to actualize, then you also can see that the idea of soulmates is a terrible lie that keeps you from abundance. On the other hand, believing that God is sovereign and cares about the details of your life is a gracious and beautiful thing. Despite seeming similar, there is a difference. If you are looking for the perfect man to come and fulfill your idealism and to meet all of your expectations, then you don’t understand the need for marriage as a covenant. Covenant love isn’t based on how we feel all the time, but instead is predicated on what we know to be true. So, if you’re looking for someone to build the Kingdom with, and to do battle alongside, you will be better able to discern what kind of man you want to spend your life with.
Discernment isn’t a checklist, but there are some things you can look for. Does he love the Lord? Is he a good leader? Is he faithful in the things he commits to? Do you get along well? Do you respect his judgment? Does he make you laugh? Do you just want to be in his presence? Are you attracted to him? And while I would not advocate choosing to stay with someone that you are not attracted to, I also think that good chemistry fosters attraction. Also, “compatibility” is overrated. Men and women will always have to work at being compatible. I’ve heard it said that “compatibility is the by-product of a healthy relationship, not the foundation of it.”
Ultimately, while loving, committed, stable marriages are a beautiful gift from God, idolizing relationships isn’t healthy. You certainly don’t need to know if you’ve found your husband when you’re 18 (or 22, for that matter). Marriage is a life-long covenant that takes maturity, grace, self-knowledge, and responsibility. When it comes to getting married, everyone’s timeline is different, and we do our community a disservice if we act like there is one perfect “Christian” way to handle dating and engagement timelines. For example, the campus culture of expecting dating couples to be engaged by senior year is highly unhelpful. While of course it’s unwise to date for a long time with zero intention of moving forward, college is different from life after school, and couples can honor the Lord in a variety of dating timelines. Everyone has different circumstances, and a slower pace does not mean people are uncommitted or messing around.
What do you do if you hoped to meet someone at college, but that hasn’t happened? Like many of you, I figured that college was the place to meet someone, but even though I dated in college, I came away with a B.A. but no M.R.S. degree. I can honestly tell you I am immensely grateful to be getting married at age 26. Having a few unmarried years after graduation reminded me that the Lord doesn’t make mistakes, and that He had a plan that was far better than any I could have imagined for myself. I like to say that my relationship with my fiancé (he’s in all likelihood my husband by the time you’re reading this) is the gift I didn’t know I needed. And the Lord has good things for you, regardless of if it fits perfectly in your ideal timeline. As much as we would like to think we have control over our lives, ultimately our Abba is the One who is sovereign. Proverbs 16:9 says, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” It is a comfort to know that ultimately, not even our discernment or lack thereof is going to mess up God’s good work in our lives. We are called to wisdom and discernment, but if you are walking with the Lord, He will use even your mistakes for His glory and your good (and your sanctification!).
Sister, I have to break it to you: ultimately, no amount of discernment will keep you from the tragedy of living in a fallen world and loving a fallen man. And yet, in His goodness, the Lord still redeems our brokenness–often in ways we would have never expected. For those of you familiar with The Meaning of Marriage, Tim and Kathy Keller argue that you always marry the “wrong” person, because you are marrying another sinner who needs grace just as much as you do. And that is actually a good and gracious thing. We shouldn’t be scared of it. Instead, we can be encouraged as we live very human lives and have very human love stories.
Jaime (Boerema) Smith | ‘22
While at Hillsdale, I studied English and Classical Education. Though I originally planned to teach, I ended up accepting a position in the Hillsdale College Graduate School of Classical Education. Outside of work, you might find me at Rough Draft, the gym, playing pickleball with my sister, or on a walk with my fiancé and my little beagle mix, Lily.
