How Precious Are Your Friendships?

By: Bethany Widmer

“Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.” This little jingle is a sweet reminder that whether new or old, all friendships have great value. Similarly, gemstones also hold great value, not only for their monetary worth, but also for their beauty. Did you know there are only four gemstones that are considered “precious”: sapphires, rubies, emeralds and diamonds? Like these gemstones, friendships are also precious, and together they create a beautiful analogy.  

One way to categorize friendships is: acquaintances, casual, close and lifelong. Each one serves a different purpose in our lives, yet all are precious in their own way.  

Acquaintances- These relationships are like sapphires whose meaning is “stone of prosperity.” This circle of friends is typically quite prosperous- many people grace our presence as acquaintances. We know them, but do not spend much time with them. When we are together at a social event or by a chance meeting, we have enjoyable conversations; however, the relationship is more surface level instead of emotionally connected. These are “social media” type friends.  

Casual friends- Oh to be a ruby full of wealth, health and passion! A shared interest through social circles, work, or a hobby is what creates this friendship. Casual friends are more than acquaintances, but still have little to no emotional connection. These are lighthearted relationships with no expectations for regular commitments.  

Close friends- These relationships are like emeralds that symbolize peace, security, growth, loyalty, and honesty. Close friends, like emeralds, have a calming quality. They know us deeply and share an emotional connection and similar values. They are in our inner circle and our besties! This friend can finish our sentence, and they know how we are feeling just by looking at us. Sitting in silence isn’t awkward when we’re together. These are “ride or die friends” and will be by our side through thick or thin.  

Lifelong friends- Diamonds perfectly correlate with lifelong friends as it comes from the Greek word “adamas” meaning “unbreakable, invincible and transparent.” These friends are more like family, and the relationship withstands time and distance. They may be in our daily life, but often times they are a childhood or longtime friend now separated by geographical distance. No matter how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other, we can pick up right where we left off.  

Although we’ve wrapped these up in four tidy little groups, the reality is that friendships are much more complex and follow more of an ebb and flow pattern. As circumstances in life change, so do our relationships. Some grow deeper, others diminish, and some even end completely. If we find value in a relationship and invest in it, it can grow. A relationship with a co-worker may develop into a close friend, or over time a close friend becomes a lifelong friend. It’s important to note these relationships do not just happen on their own; they need nurtured. This requires an investment of time and energy, but the result is worth it! 

Many years ago, a friend randomly posed the question, “Do you think it’s possible to have too many friends?” My immediate response was, “No!” That seemed like such a silly question, yet by the look in her eyes, I knew she had a difference of opinion. She was older and wiser than I, so I listened attentively as she explained having too many friends meant you could not properly invest in them all; therefore, none would be as solid or valuable as they should be. This is a good reminder that it is not possible to foster every relationship in the same way. As a result, some friendships will end. Most often it’s a natural process due to a life change – a move, new job, or end of a shared activity. This is ok. THIS.IS.OK. Some friendships are simply meant for a season. Neither person did anything wrong, but the friendship served its purpose for both of you, and then you went your separate ways. No hard feelings, just time for a new season.  

Friendships can add such joy to our lives, but they can also be complicated and bumpy at times. Some friendships start off well and change, some were never healthy from the beginning, yet others have a disagreement that arises. These are all tough circumstances and require reflection. Does a simple conversation need to happen? Are there irreconcilable differences, like repetitive negative behaviors or different morals and values? If the latter is true, and you have expressed your concerns and there is no change, then it is probably time to move on from the friendship in a respectful way. Sometimes despite the best intentions and effort, stepping away from a friendship is the healthiest choice. It is important to note that most genuine friendships go through ups and downs, and working through those challenges will make them grow and become stronger. Unfortunately, when at a crossroads in a relationship, there is no standard response as each relationship is unique; however, taking time to discern the direction of the friendship will guide you in the right direction. 

So how do we maintain good friendships? Well, in order to have a good friend, you need to be a good friend. Here are seven helpful tips for strong friendships: 

1. Be willing to give and receive 

The relationship should be fairly equal between both people – being reciprocal in giving and receiving. I have been in relationships that the other person is always asking for something and rarely gives back. It is draining and not healthy for either person. I have also had friends who only want to give and they will not receive help or advice. This can become frustrating and make someone feel unappreciated or unvalued in the relationship.  

2. Be a good listener 

A good friend finds a balance between speaking and listening. Remember we have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.  

3. Be open and honest 

Speaking the truth in love creates trust and respect. Being honest with someone can be quite challenging, especially if we are suggesting they change in some way. Most people do not want confrontation so they will not say anything just to keep peace in the relationship. However, a good friend will respectfully talk to you about things that need addressed either personally or in your relationship. I have a few friends that I know will be honest with me if I need advice. They will also offer advice without me asking. Although sometimes it’s hard to hear, the only way we can GROW is if we KNOW what we need to change. This is a good friend! 

4. Be vulnerable 

This creates a deep intimacy between friends and strengthens the relationship. Every time I have shared something very personal with a friend, or they with me, we have gained a deeper respect for each other and grown in our relationship. Few things will grow a friendship more than vulnerability.  

5. Be clear on expectations 

Sometimes one friend has different expectations for the relationship than the other. It is ok, and healthy, to set boundaries. When our girls were young, I had a friend who would call and want to talk on the phone for an hour or more. Since I had 3 young children, it was very difficult for me to be on the phone that long. I spoke to my pastor and he advised me at the beginning of the call to tell her how much time I had available. It typically was around 15 minutes, but other times even shorter. I was still able to be a supportive friend, but also take care of my responsibilities. I have been able to modify this advice and use it for a variety of circumstances.  

6. Be positive  

No one likes a “Negative Nellie.”  There are times when life is hard and of course you should share struggles with your friends. The problem arises if complaining or talking negatively becomes a pattern; it will weigh on your relationships.  

7. Be willing to grow 

Helping one another to learn and grow physically, emotionally and spiritually is a beautiful benefit of friendships. In addition to individual growth, it will also strengthen your relationship with one another.  

Reflecting upon your friendships, are they where you would like them to be? If not, what is one thing you can do this week to nurture them? Remember, when intentionally invested in, friendships will add beauty to your life and be more precious than any sapphire, ruby, emerald or diamond! 

Bethany Widmer

My husband Scott and I have been married for 29 years. We have raised 3 daughters, all having either graduated from or are attending Hillsdale College. Although I have 2 teaching degrees (hearing impaired and elementary education) and have taught on and off in a school setting, I am always using my teaching skills, whether at home while raising our girls, through church or ministry work, life coaching or through speaking and writing. My passion is family unity so I love working with women or couples to share God’s Word and help them grow in their faith and relationships with those around them.