Permission to Take Care of Yourself

By: Ingrid Dornbirer

Let’s imagine for a moment that you, reader, have a friend who is also a woman. This friend is in a dark place. 

Imagine she is huddled at the bottom of a deep hole. If you throw her a rope and try to pull her out, you will either break your own back or fall into the hole yourself. Either way, it results in injury and ultimately doesn’t truly help your friend. 

Imagine that instead of trying to pull her out, you carefully descend into the hole with your friend. You hold her. You cry with her. You tell her there is a bright world outside of the hole you hope she will climb to. 

At the end of the day, she must climb for herself. 

Can I reiterate that? 

You cannot climb for her. You may climb alongside her, but carrying weight other than your own will only hurt both of you. Are you catching my drift? 

In my 22 years of being a woman, I have found both of the following statements to be true:  

Women love to be cared for. 

Women love to care.

I am here to tell you that sometimes women are not inclined to take care of themselves. My fingers resisted even typing out those words. Isn’t that selfish? Shouldn’t I always be thinking of others? Isn’t that what Jesus wants me to do? 

Caring for others, being a good friend/girlfriend/daughter/sister/you-name-it—fulfilling these roles well requires sacrifice. Time and energy. Labors of love. We know this. I do not mean to imply that friendships don’t require putting the needs of another before your own. We are, in fact, called to carry the burdens of a friend. However, while it may feel wrong or hyper-critical to step back and reevaluate a friendship, I have found that recognizing areas of unhealth in our relationships takes just that. Stop and ask yourself: who are the people I am pouring into, and who are the people who are pouring into me? 

Newsflash for you wonderful women of empathy who desire to fulfill your role as a good friend: you cannot enter entirely into the suffering of another. 

Jesus did that. 

If there is a friend in your life who is having a tough time and relies on you solely as a shoulder to cry on, you can love her more fully by ensuring there is someone in your life who offers you their shoulder in your low moments. It can be tricky to discern when to pull back from a friendship altogether. What’s most important is to do everything in love. Having a difficult and awkward conversation—in love—with the intention of setting clear boundaries is an act of true friendship. 

I am NOT saying you should cut out all of the friends in your life who are even occasionally draining to you. Let’s face it: we are all human. And honestly, I, for one, know I am not always the most fun, life-giving person to be around every day of the week. 

We need a balance. 

You may have heard the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” The challenge for the listener of this statement requires taking a pause. A moment for reflection. 

I am encouraging you to take that pause. Be honest with yourself about your relationships. Ask yourself the following question (and I promise it isn’t selfish): am I being filled? Now, I say this with a word of caution. Your friendships cannot and should not fulfill every mental, spiritual, physical, or even emotional need in your life. Recognize that I am simply speaking from my own experience and the bits of wisdom I have gleaned in my years of striving to be a healthy friend. I have observed that there are signs when a friendship IS healthy, fruitful, and beneficial to both you and the friend. 

A short list of healthy signs in a friendship: 

You feel open and safe to share both in pain AND in joys. A truly safe friendship does not restrict or deter you from sharing your own heart. 

You get to ask good questions and listen to your friend. 

Your friend asks good questions and listens to you. 

Both of you make sacrifices of time and energy for one another. 

Crazy thought: you pray together!! 

Friendships require sacrifice. Help carry the burdens of your friend—and give them up to the One who can fully enter into the suffering of another. 

If you often fight the urge to take upon yourself the weights of your friends that only Jesus can bear, I’m right there with you. 

Let’s grab coffee sometime.

Ingrid Dornbirer | ‘24

Ingrid Dornbirer is a 2024 grad serving fulltime as Director of Student Activities for the College. She studied English and Graphic Design at Hillsdale, combining her love for both the beauty of words and the act of creation through art. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and connect further—or stop by the Student Activities Office to say “hi” anytime! 

Fun Fact: autumn is her favorite season, and she appreciates everything about it, from the blustery days to the scent of vanilla and cinnamon.