Know Your Worth: Caring for Mind, Body, and Soul
BY: KATHRYN WALES
Self-care must be rooted in authentic self-love. I mean the kind that you must have so that you may love your neighbor (“as yourself”). It’s very important to have a sense of real worth and inherent dignity from which you develop habits that order your life towards the good. If you struggle for that, it is extra important to seek spiritual and mental supports to inspire hope and motivation. (The free counseling at the health center is a real gift. I’ve used it myself in recent years and have benefited tremendously.)
“The common misconception about this topic is that it is too myopic and greedy, often becoming self-worship. But I believe those pitfalls can be avoided if the real telos of self-love is kept in view: love of God and love of neighbor.”
Your own self-care should also be informed by self-knowledge—an understanding of your particular history, temperament, needs, desires, talents, and limits. This kind of work takes time and space. Though I really wanted one at first, I did not ever have a roommate in college. At the University of Pittsburgh, I had single dorms freshman and sophomore year and then shared an apartment with the same good friend junior and senior year. This allowed me to spend a lot of time alone developing my own interests as well as my own routine of waking, praying, exercising, studying, sleeping, etc. I used my planners religiously, taking detailed notes that rendered them precious to me even now. I was very disciplined about regularly waking at 7am and going to bed at 11pm which meant that I could easily recover from the occasional 2am talkfest. I used an elliptical machine 3x per week for exercise, listening to intense music and processing a lot of emotional things. (Sometimes sweating is as good as crying!) I also went to Mass nearly every single day. In a big, very Catholic city this was easy because there were half a dozen options within walking or bussing distance. Centering my life on the liturgy is what gave me the balance I needed to flourish in college.
I also had tons of fun. I watched The Office with friends every week, threw theme parties, attended a wonderful film noir club, had “Fun Lunch” once a month my senior year in which a friend and I shared a bottle of wine, a hunk of cheese, and a loaf of bread in the middle of the day and laughed and laughed and laughed. I went to Rome, I went to England, I went salsa dancing and icon writing. I made money nannying for my Medieval Literature professor’s four kids and working as a waitress at an amazing French restaurant. I did not have a “friend group” as many of you do or have had. I evaluated my acquaintanceships carefully, asking myself if pursing any of those relationships would be healthy and good. As a result of that intentionality, I discovered and enjoyed a few very deep, meaningful friendships with five people in particular who are still very much in my life now: my husband, my priest-mentor/honorary-godfather, my brother, my apartment-mate, and my recurrent classmate (Pitt was so huge that it was rare to have several classes with the same people). I knew the value of those relationships then which is why I’ve prioritized them ever since. The best care I’ve ever given myself outside of knowing Jesus is knowing these fine people, even when we harmed one another. Working to repair damage done and seek true reconciliation strengthened those bonds of love forever.
“When the care of your body, mind, and soul becomes a habit of being, you can attend to things above and beyond yourself which make life worth living.”
That fifth-mentioned friend really pulled me into a bigger, better world by inviting me to events and introducing me to art that was often outside of my comfort zone. I learned the value of vulnerability by trusting her taste and taking many plunges with her. She taught me more than any class because she was so gifted at getting me out of myself and expanding the boundaries of my imagination. Unlike Shakespeare, Dante, Eliot, O’Connor and the others, she was able to know me back and care about me—care for me.
That’s ultimately the main reason for self-care: it sets you up for eventual self-transcendence. The common misconception about this topic is that it is too myopic and greedy, often becoming self-worship. But I believe those pitfalls can be avoided if the real telos of self-love is kept in view: love of God and love of neighbor. Part of really knowing yourself is keeping a good sense of humor. It’s being painfully aware of your own short-coming and weaknesses and allowing that to foster true humility. As C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” When the care of your body, mind, and soul becomes a habit of being, you can attend to things above and beyond yourself which make life worth living. And when you know that worth, you know your own, as well.
